During our last conversation that Wednesday night, I felt like I was talking to a familiar stranger. It was polite with appropriate small talks to brace ourselves for the heavier subject that we could no longer avoid, and both couldn’t, or wouldn’t be the one to say that it’s over; we hovered around the imminent finality as though there was an escape. In the end, after many exchange of “so…..?” and as both of us knew very well that for our inability to come to a resolution/compromise, there was nothing else to be done. I let you have the honour and guilt to end it, again, as I could never do it myself.

It’s not that I am not willing to pack my life and go to where you are. In the plans that I made, that was exactly how things would be, at least for a leased time; a year or two; maybe three. Why wouldn’t I want to live in the city that I cherished so much, the place where I had one of the best years in my life in? But Permanent Residency, was never in the picture, no. Even after Mak has said “pergilah Nina, Mak benarkan”, I don’t have the heart to leave. With Abah gone, Mak’s health and my current family dynamics, I could not live my life so selfishly and just leave.

Before I left for London three years ago, I remember saying this jokingly to Abah “Kalau Nina kahwin dengan orang putih (dan tak balik) macam mana hihihihi?”

“Kalau macam tu, Abah hilanglah anak Abah….” he answered.

***

I do not want to be anak yang ‘hilang’ to my parents.

***

Dear beloved,

In you, I have found my match. It’s a shame that our future plans are mismatched. So, with heavy heart, I accept that it has come to an end. What I have planned, what we have planned or failed to, I know Allah has the best for you and for me J