Because my phone cannot keep everything

Na : hari ini exactly tiga tahun? patpat neeners. you must miss your daddy-o. i for one (perempuan yg overrr) just drove&duduk depan rumah sect 3 ber-emo sebentar. kerana miss bapa&haih exam mara besok. tsk. just nak say i'm sorry your abah isn't here to hang our with you. it sucks but i love you! nite2 neensies! 

Mon, 29 Apr 2013, 9:30 PM

Ni : Morning my nana.. I love you. Good luck for the exam today. Be your usual hebat n awesome self and everything will be great. Perempuan tua ini was forgetful, it was actually 2tahun on sunday, not 3yrs yesterday.I felt bad already sbb terlupa. I'm sure u miss your popo too..we just think of the good times with our daddy, remember that they're always a part of us, dan do a byk2.. (OMG I'm crying in the LRT) 

Tue, 30 Apr 2013, 9:04 AM

Na : :[ and :'[ (hughugggg neeensies!). itu laaa i thought 3 years would be super lama dah but i weirdly remember you said 3yrs my head is weird. im dalam kereta karang essay depan venue. eeeks takut. hv a good day k awhsome zarina awesome abd ghani! hugg sepuluh juta!

Tue, 30 Apr 2013, 9:07 AM

28 April

Waktu dalam perjalanan balik semalam, N ada kata dia mahu ke kubur bapanya. Aku teringat dan menambah yang hari Isnin ni, 29 haribulan, genap tiga tahun Abah pergi. Esok hari Ahad mahu bawa mak ziarah kubur Abah lah.

Petang yang sama masa tengah tengok TV mak cakap, Nina jom pergi kubur Abah esok. 28 haribulan, dah dua tahun dah. Eh, 29 haribulan lah mak (aku insist). Taklah, 28 haribulan mak balas. Rasa macam nak bukak laci dan check death certificate aje, tapi malas pula. Tak apa lah, 29 haribulan pun hari Isnin, kena kerja, memang hari Ahad je tinggal kalau nak ke kubur.

Kemudian aku terfikir, eh kalau dah tiga tahun, aku patut dah chartered accountant dah, tapi belum lagi. Abah masih ada masa aku start kerja dulu. (horrible juga matematik aku ni, macam mana 2013 tolak 2011 jadi tiga tahun?). Pagi tadi, kak long post something dekat instagram dia, in memory of Abah. It said RIP Abah 19.2.52 - 28.4.11.

Nina, tarikh penting macam ni pun kau boleh tak ingat ke?

..........

Abah, maaflah kalau Nina terlupa tarikh ni. Tapi Nina tak pernah lupakan Abah. Kalau Nina teringatkan Abah, mesti hati Nina sayu.. Kadang-kadang Nina menangis sorang2. Tu semua syaitan kacau, Nina tahu... Nina boleh sedekahkan Al-fatihah je, dan doakan Abah.

..........

Tadi ingat nak ambil gambar kubur Abah yang kitorang dah bersihkan, tapi tak jadi. Sebab rasanya macam tension sangat keadaan. Dekat kubur pun nak kelahi.

Sedih.

I wish we are less difficult. And more tolerant.

..........

Malam pun sama. Sakit hati. Sedih.

Surat panjang lebar tu, perlu ditulis juga. 

Came and gone.

It happened on one of the days in the week that ends on the 19th. It was about to rain; I went outside to pick up the clothes before they get wet. As I stack the clothes one by one on my left arm, I looked outside over the fence, there was a man standing. His built and blue shirt were so familiar; even his short hair seemed like the freshly cut hair I've seen many times before.

The man turned around, my instinct was right. I heard footsteps behind me as my mum came outside to help me with the clothes. I shouted;

"Mak, mak. Abah!"

At that moment I was elated, excited that my dad would come back after being gone for a while. It seemed like it was the present itself; one I'd wished so badly for.

At the same moment I realised that this is not reality and it cannot be true. But it felt so real; I wanted badly for it to be real, that my dad would come back.

"Nina, abah dah takda......" said Mak.

In that dream of mine, I woke up from my reverie of Abah's return as quickly as it began. I recited the first Quranic verse that came to my mind. It might as well be the ghost of my dad, but no ayat penghalang syaitan or ayat pelindung came to my mind, not even al-Fatihah for his soul.

"la ila ha illa anta..." I recited many times while my heart pounded fast. I didn't know why it was so fast. What was I suddenly afraid of?

It was before fajr that I woke up with my heart still reciting la ila ha illa anta. I remember being so scared to think of anything upon waking up. My consciousness rested upon my breaths and concentration to not move any muscle in my body for fear of something I did not know of.

A while after, I began to calm down. What a dream it was; so real but yet so unrealistic. I marveled at how accurate the setting, timing and feeling that made up that dream.

His 60th birthday was supposed to be the coming Sunday, 19th. Maybe I was missing him so much that the divine powers conspired to let me see Abah, even just in dream. (a scary one I must add).