28 April

Waktu dalam perjalanan balik semalam, N ada kata dia mahu ke kubur bapanya. Aku teringat dan menambah yang hari Isnin ni, 29 haribulan, genap tiga tahun Abah pergi. Esok hari Ahad mahu bawa mak ziarah kubur Abah lah.

Petang yang sama masa tengah tengok TV mak cakap, Nina jom pergi kubur Abah esok. 28 haribulan, dah dua tahun dah. Eh, 29 haribulan lah mak (aku insist). Taklah, 28 haribulan mak balas. Rasa macam nak bukak laci dan check death certificate aje, tapi malas pula. Tak apa lah, 29 haribulan pun hari Isnin, kena kerja, memang hari Ahad je tinggal kalau nak ke kubur.

Kemudian aku terfikir, eh kalau dah tiga tahun, aku patut dah chartered accountant dah, tapi belum lagi. Abah masih ada masa aku start kerja dulu. (horrible juga matematik aku ni, macam mana 2013 tolak 2011 jadi tiga tahun?). Pagi tadi, kak long post something dekat instagram dia, in memory of Abah. It said RIP Abah 19.2.52 - 28.4.11.

Nina, tarikh penting macam ni pun kau boleh tak ingat ke?

..........

Abah, maaflah kalau Nina terlupa tarikh ni. Tapi Nina tak pernah lupakan Abah. Kalau Nina teringatkan Abah, mesti hati Nina sayu.. Kadang-kadang Nina menangis sorang2. Tu semua syaitan kacau, Nina tahu... Nina boleh sedekahkan Al-fatihah je, dan doakan Abah.

..........

Tadi ingat nak ambil gambar kubur Abah yang kitorang dah bersihkan, tapi tak jadi. Sebab rasanya macam tension sangat keadaan. Dekat kubur pun nak kelahi.

Sedih.

I wish we are less difficult. And more tolerant.

..........

Malam pun sama. Sakit hati. Sedih.

Surat panjang lebar tu, perlu ditulis juga. 

small things that are big

You will never know how long more people will be around. Even yourself.

When Abah and Mak Long left me last year, I was engrossed not only with sadness, but also with the feeling of guilt, for not having spent more time with them.

After Abah's passing, I came back to live with my mum in Shah Alam. Staying in a rented apartment near KL was not an option anymore.

Almost every morning, before going to work, I would have breakfast with Mak. Sometimes she'll make something special, on normal days it'll be just quaker oat and nescafe (on days when she goreng karipap, I would gladly have extra long breakfast and go slightly late to work hehe). We'll have small talk and remind each other to take our supplements.

"have you taken your meiidisen?"

"dring reeet!"

"pour eeet in eeet/ in a kaaap"

"why you neverrr wait for meeee?"

Yes. The language only this mother and daughter enjoy and understand.

After finishing my nescafe I'll say "mummy, come and send my pemergian with your anak mata. NOW!"

We'll walk together outside. On Mondays or Wednesday or Friday, we'll bring the garbage outside for collection. Alternate mornings, we'll take turn giving those hungry kitties their food (usually I'll say oh nooo I'm already late mummy you give cat eaattt ;p).

Then I'll start my car engine and open the gate. By that time, Mak will already be at the gate to just wait or put the garbage bags in the trash can.

As I drive away, I'll wave to my mum and wait for her to wave back. Sometimes when she's occupied with the garbage/cat that she doesn't wave back, I'll cebik. Hehe. I'll watch her from my rear mirror until I make the right turn in front of my house.

Other routine I have is to always hug and kiss my mum. This, is all the time, before going to work, after coming back, while watching TV, while my mum mengaji, before eat etc etc. Anytime that I want, I'll go to my mummy and huggggy her and kissy her until she rimas :)

I'll go "mmmmmmuah mummy kissy" *kiss right cheek*kiss left cheek* "now you kissy me!"*give my left cheek*turn* "the other side" *give my right cheek* "one more time" *give my left cheeck* "the other side" *give my right cheek*.

(here can see also I peluk her until she rimas already hehe)

The other day, while we're having lunch at Kedai Soto Section 8..

"Momok, why you sooo gemuk?"

"Why like that? Why you don't say I cute?"

"Cause it doesn't rhyme........Oklah, mummy why you so slim?"

"Of course I am!"

"Are you the real slim shady?"

".........."

*This is a good daughter post. Of course, I'm only human and there are times when I'm not being a good daughter, making my mum saaaaaaad :(*