Pendek-pendek, campur-campur

• Puas hati dengan trafik ke KL pagi tadi. Tak puas hati dengan pemanduan kurang hajar sesetengah pihak.
• Q1 2012 QPR: Zarina, awak tak berubah pun?
• Super sad when yoga got cancelled today. Was looking forward to it since I missed the one yesterday. I need that balance during this highly stressing time of the month/year, esp. in this department. Haven't gone back late for a while. Headache's coming (back).
• The weighing scale is mocking me with its honest 'evaluation' my kilos. Heaviest EVER!
• Met a friend I got to know when I was in Londres. Friendly :) Although I've posted on fb, some people did not notice/remember/care. I still get that question, when is he coming back etc. etc. I can only answer what I know from last time, which answer may no longer be valid since updated info is not communicated to this side ;p. Didn't know why I had to bring that up during our short conversation, but was surprised by the response.
• Lunch with baby. Possibility of having to be her bridesmaid :)
• EEEEEEE MALUNYAAAAAAAAA OH NOOOOOO HAHHAHAA!!!!!! (randomisationofarchivisationomaigation)

Came and gone.

It happened on one of the days in the week that ends on the 19th. It was about to rain; I went outside to pick up the clothes before they get wet. As I stack the clothes one by one on my left arm, I looked outside over the fence, there was a man standing. His built and blue shirt were so familiar; even his short hair seemed like the freshly cut hair I've seen many times before.

The man turned around, my instinct was right. I heard footsteps behind me as my mum came outside to help me with the clothes. I shouted;

"Mak, mak. Abah!"

At that moment I was elated, excited that my dad would come back after being gone for a while. It seemed like it was the present itself; one I'd wished so badly for.

At the same moment I realised that this is not reality and it cannot be true. But it felt so real; I wanted badly for it to be real, that my dad would come back.

"Nina, abah dah takda......" said Mak.

In that dream of mine, I woke up from my reverie of Abah's return as quickly as it began. I recited the first Quranic verse that came to my mind. It might as well be the ghost of my dad, but no ayat penghalang syaitan or ayat pelindung came to my mind, not even al-Fatihah for his soul.

"la ila ha illa anta..." I recited many times while my heart pounded fast. I didn't know why it was so fast. What was I suddenly afraid of?

It was before fajr that I woke up with my heart still reciting la ila ha illa anta. I remember being so scared to think of anything upon waking up. My consciousness rested upon my breaths and concentration to not move any muscle in my body for fear of something I did not know of.

A while after, I began to calm down. What a dream it was; so real but yet so unrealistic. I marveled at how accurate the setting, timing and feeling that made up that dream.

His 60th birthday was supposed to be the coming Sunday, 19th. Maybe I was missing him so much that the divine powers conspired to let me see Abah, even just in dream. (a scary one I must add).

- BCS EUT exchange : "you naik eh nanti?". Spekulasi, spekulasi.
- Perfect timing : orange peel thigh and february action plan.
- Dah jatuh hukum ke kalau macam ni? #BM track6

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Merbahaya. Ke Berbahaya?

So. Today I went to the bank to collect my (first ever) credit cards.

Went back up to my desk a little after 2.

With two pairs of shoes/sandal.


Apakah?????

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To do

- sign up twitter (must follow traffic updates)
- apply credit card (pls leave a comment if you have recommendation/word of caution on any bank's card)
- print payslip for safekeeping
- shape up by next friday haha (must fit the m.o.h's baju kurung moden. Cannot be buldging here and there oh nooo)
- if the above fails, buy whatever body shaper thingy. One-piece, two-peace, half-peace whatever. Lain kali jangan bun©it

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28 haribulan

It's been a month now. I didn't cry as much as when it just happen. But secretly I was afraid that it meant that I have forgotten.

I went inside the room to clean up. But I couldn't. It came back and I started crying. There I was looking at the things he left behind. The pills. The pictures. The suffering. The secrets. The unfinished business. The world.

I was in his little world.

There were kind words given, for patience and strength. The most comforting one was from a friend, he wrote, as the malays would say "kembali ke rahmatullah". And it means precisely that, kembali ke rahmat Allah, for He is the most exalted in power and all things good.

I have had dreams about him, all of which made me feel somewhat relieved upon waking up. They were all peaceful, and may Abah, rest in peace.




Al-Fatihah.

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Look what I picked up

Yerp.

Had my last practice run today; the real thing will be next weekend. Looking at this morning's progress (or non-progress), it is not convincing, at all. I have a feeling I'll be sleeping in next Sunday.

JAMARA MORGAN, pls?

If people want a piece of advice from me about LDR, tak payahlah. FAIL! You can have all the technologies in the world, they're not gonna matter if you leave your phone and go watch TV, or if the speed of snail mail can put your speed of replying emails to shame.


HAMPUN!!!


I lukis, ok? (pasal guilty inspired kui kui)

Random good news of the day: I got a call from the bank and am through to second round of interview. Honestly, I thought that I wouldn't get it. Alhamdulillah :)

You know what I should do? Turn my mobile phone off of sleep mode and let it be somewhere I can hear during the day. This is not the first time I couldn't be reached on my mobile. Macam VIP aja, walaupun sebenarnya, not so.

Anyway.

Today, one of my fears was proven unfounded. It's still a valid one I must say, and luckily today it did not happen.

At the top of my head, I can now think of two of my biggest fears (not in particular order):

1) The ocean- out of its sheer vastness. Can you imagine yourself in the middle of it, or worse, at the bottom of it? Where it is so deep even lights cannot penetrate; so dark, full of creatures you have never seen; and so high the pressure, what you feel is only the stabbing pain?

2) Becoming a parent during your children's rebellious times. When gentle admonition has lost its power and further reproach drives them away. In all hopelessness, you pray that you've taught them enough and one day they'll come to their senses.


I did not suddenly become a parent to a teenager today, nor found myself in the ocean. That would be too farfetched.

I was afraid......

Ok tukar bahasa untuk lebih 'feeeel':

Aku takut, masa pecahkan telur nak masak, bukannya putih & kuning telur yang keluar, tapi anak ayam! Atau segumpal bende yang dalam proses nak jadi anak ayam (prolly look like a seamonkey?). GELIIIII KOT?!?!?! Pasal, tadi, telur tu, kulit putih dia (bukan yang keras di luar tu), liat sungguh. Macam ada anak ayam aja dalam tuuuu.........

But then abah used it for his omelette and said it was fine. No chicks, hot or otherwise.

Tapi........... takutkan? geli, kan?!?!

Korang tak takut?


Fine.



p/s: Another one: being alone in the dark. Who wouldn't be afraid of that?

Had my first assessment last Friday, with a bank. I did fairly 'OK' on some parts and not too on the last one. Coulda, shoulda.

Here's an article I found from a forum. Apparently in interviews, there are not only silly answers, questions can be stupid too.

Well. Better be better for the next one.

Here it is.

Another one today

Dear xxxx,

Following our telephone conversation, in this email I attach my updated CV for your review.

I look forward to your kind reply.

Many thanks and regards,
Z

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Higher expectation on this one. Hoping for the best, InsyaAllah.

Subjectivity

RM10 - is it much?
10km - is it far?


So today, I went to the gym with my brother using the free trial pass. Was on the treadmill most of the time. Nak habiskan 7km pun bersusah-payah, it took me around an hour to complete, together running (7.5-8 km/h) and walking (4.5-6 km/h). I know, it's nothing much. I'm not like that crazy person who can run 10.3km non-stop, even though half of it was out of spite ;p. By crazy, of course I mean awesome! Effortless. Inspiration!

Add a few more kms, a 10km run is like travelling from Shah Alam to Subang Jaya on foot.

Huhu.

After that I went to submit the registration form at Bangunan MPSJ. The counter's supposed to be open Monday-Sunday (9-5pm). As fate had it, it was closed when I arrived at 4.30pm. Pak guard cakap, pukul satu diorang dah tutup dah, buka dari pukul 7 pagi tadi!

Hokay!?! I don't really care if they opened at 7, or even 6! They should close at 5pm, like what's written in the form.

Anyway, as the run will be postponed to another date in June instead of next weekend, registration deadline is also extended. One of these days, I'll have to go there again to register. I refuse to believe it's a sign for me to not partake in the run.

Fadhli cakap, tak payah lah masuk run ni. Lari saja-saja untuk kesihatan sudah.

I know it's true. When I run too much, I have the tendency to get a headache or 'lembik' for the rest of the day. For all I know, by then, I may have already started working. Lembik di pejabat, tak boleh tu!

TAPI..

It's now or never. Bila lagi, kan? When I'm still fit. Ngee.

So the plan is, to just register. If, after training, my body tells me it cannot handle, then just don't get set behind the starting line on that Sunday. Sepuluh ringgit aje pun registration fee.

So today at Mid Valley, CV was dropped at a few places. What will happen following the CV dropping activity, we shall wait and see.

The hunting season is not here yet, at least for me. For the time being, I am confident with the prospect.

People are saying it's okay. Comforting words, they are giving me. When it's time for me to be worried, I will be.

However, being in this state does not come without any disadvantage. Inflow is not certain, but outflows are unavoidable. And form-filling becomes a bit more tricky. Are you a student? Or are you working in so and so industry? No. Others: please state.

At the risk of sounding....

....like I'm not glad to be back, just this once, I'm going to say it out in the open, I truely miss London. Everything about it. Leaving the city during the more beautiful season pains me even more. I want to be there with those who are there.


My boxes arrived today. With that, my life for that short while, carefully packed in the tiny cardboard walls are delivered. No more in-betweens. Between there and here. My returning home seemed cannot be more final. What else is there to wait for, to look forward to?


As I was unpacking, I stopped to smell; the clothes that I'd washed, the shoes unworn, the books and anything I felt like. They didn't particularly smell of the combination of detergent and fabric softener that I used, but much more pleasant. Maybe because they were in the boxes for a long time. Or they'd gotten the scent from travelling across the seas to come to me. The sweet odor transported me to a place I want to be.


The timing is perfect, in every sense of the word. I'm not talking about order delivery, but because it's at that time of the month when I have the uncontrollable need to romantisize everything.

It's just what I need.

Quickie

Just a quick one here. I've finally finished updating my two page CV! It's time for mass distribution!

Ho ho ho!

If you know me, you'll know how I'm obsessed with cleaning my room. Spring cleaning is something I do all year round, yelah, Malaysia kan iklim khatulistiwa ;p.

So of course, that is something I would do now that I'm back. Kesian bilik, setahun lebih kene abai... One of the enjoyments I get from this activity, is the element of surprise and nostalgia. You'll never know the junk that you've accumulated. Well, not all junk lah, where's the fun in that?

I take forever to complete the whole process because I always get sidetrackked by the treasure I found. Sometimes I don't even remember I have them, or even if I remember, the sentimental me takes control.

Anyway.

I'll share one thing I found this time; my old 'journal' when I was travelling in Kluang to see Ju.

14 Dec 2005

Train bertolak kul 7.55 lbh kurang. Mula2 plan nak naik yg pkl 9.30. Nasib baik pg td mandi awal. Pukul 7.45 mak ju call kate train pukul 7.55. Menggelabah nak mampus. Ju dahle belum mandi. Kocoh2 siap nasib baik sempat sampai.

Sampai station tgk parents ju xbeli tiket lagi. haha. Breakfast cepat nak mampus main telan je. Pastu tgh makan dengar bunyi ketapi sampai. Ayah ju cakap "xpe nina, eat2x. take your time". Tapi dah menggelabah dah. Ju dh pegi dulu. Pastu skali ju jerit "Nina!!", cam satu kedai pandang. haha. Seb baik x tetinggal ketapi.

Us at the train station. But this was from Singapore going back to Johor.

Ok, firstly, Jumaiiyah, do you remember any of this? Haha. I don't, at all.

See, that's why it's important to write about your travel, or even daily life. Because you can't remember everything. Surely you can remember some highlights, but what about the details in the fabric? The things that made you smile, or cry. You think you can remember every thing because it just happened? Can you say that five years from now? I'm telling you, this is like a piece of time capsule for the future you. Having said that, however, I failed to keep a consistent journal myself. Iye, saya ketam, dan awak dah pandai berlari.

(Diana, I failed to fully utilize my Moleskine, and really, there's nothing much to show you. Boohoo kan?!)



I am pretty sure most people have been to the famous Kluang Station kopitiam. There's one in OU, a few at other places. The picture above is the original kopitiam, right at the Kluang train station, canteen style. I was having my breakfast there before literally catching my train ;p. Ju's family, run this kopitiam for already three generations now, all the way from her ah kong.

Maybe next time I'll tell about other things I find, you know, laying around ;p

I've been back for more than three weeks, yet I haven't written a single reflective post on the dream I had; one that lasted for a year and a half. Although I appreciate the warm welcome back wishes I had received, my BIL put it quite rightly on my fb once before- Welcome back to the Real World.

Yes, with all that is good, bad and ugly (about it).

In the short span of twenty-odd days, every now and then, of course, I still do long for that same dream, wishing I could relive it, wishing it would be longer, wishing I could live it better. But that is just it, wishing.

And in the long span of twenty-odd days too, I have managed to do nothing much. Nothing much compared to what should have been done by someone who has not been on home ground for four seasons and some.

Let's hope this vicious cycle ends soon.